The Ant and the Grasshopper
by Jim Quinn
The Original Version
The ant busts his ass in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying
up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and
plays the summer away. Come winter the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no
food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
The New Liberal Version
It starts out the same but when winter comes the shivering grasshopper calls a press
conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while
others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up and show pictures of the shivering
grasshopper next to film of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be, in
a country of such wealth that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a
representative of the NAAGB (The National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Night
Line and charges the ant with "Green Bias" and makes the case that the
grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the frog appears on
Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being
Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on
the CBS evening news and tell a concerned Dan Rather That they will do everything they can
for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited
unfairly during the summer, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures Of The
Finally the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and
Anti-Greenism Act" RECTRO-ACTIVE to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for
failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and having nothing left to pay his
Retro-Active taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the
last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in....which just happens to be
the ant's old house.... crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it. The
ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV; which the grasshopper bought by selling
most of the ant's food, Bill Clinton is standing before a wildly applauding group of
Democrats announcing that a new era of "Fairness" has dawned in America.